Today is my fiftieth birthday and because of my idiot ex-wife I can’t share it with my two little boys.

Good job, rule follower. I’m glad your rigid, straight edge lifestyle is doing you so well. I hope you have a good time in your mundane routine for your average Friday. If you get a chance, please feel free to respond to my request to speak with you on the phone, once, before I relinquish my rights to my children for the rest of their childhoods. Have a great weekend, you timid creature.